Christmas is fucking bullshit, this site is where i tell you why.

• Christmas is a retail period, dictated to people by retailers, newspapers, television, the internet, advertisers and generally any happy go lucky motherfucker around.
• The Christmas season starts October 1st, sometimes earlier, because retailers want to get your money earlier every year.
• The image we know (how he is depicted today) as Santa Claus was created by the Coca Cola Company in the 1930s. Before then, there multiple variations of his look.
• Christmas is a period where parents take part in a global conspiracy against their children by lying to them in order to blackmail them into behaving correctly, only to spoil the little fuckers with toys whether they're well behaved or not.
• The foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. When you buy someone a gift you're not being generous, you're giving them an obligation to give you a gift back.
• If Santa was real, he'd be on the sex offenders register for his behaviour.
• Every year they play the same motherfucking Christmas songs as the year before. Noddy Holder must make a fortune on royalties.
• The TV brainwashes us into thinking that this time of year is full of "Christmas Cheer" yet the suicide rate and death rate for the elderly skyrockets. Christmas is the most morbid time of the year.
• December is the single most common month for poultry food poisoning outbreaks because idiot people who dont cook any other day of the year decide to try and make Christmas dinner and then stress themselves out and make their entire family ill.
• In the UK the average Christmas shopper spends £384 on gifts.
• Consumer debt skyrockets in the lead up to Christmas and some people take the entire year to pay it off again, only to have to do the same thing the next year.
• There is no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem. It was a comet.
• Christmas is a Christian holiday of the birth of Jesus. Jesus was born in the summer AND he was Jewish.
• In most depictions of Jesus, hes a white guy, where its historians and scientists believe he most likely would share the skin tone of someone of Middle Eastern descent.
• The common belief of Santa's reindeer's names is wrong, its not Donner, its Dunder and Blixem not Blitzen.
• Nowhere in the bible does it say there was three wise men, there was never a camel, they didnt travel from afar, it was 6 miles.
• Jesus was born in 4 BC. Yeah, 4 years Before Christ. Work that one out.
• The Immaculate Conception has absolutely fuck all to do with the birth of Jesus.
• If you accepted the premise that Santa delivered all the kids in the world's presents, the math states that Santa would need 214,200 reindeer pulling a sled weighing 321,000 tonnes travelling at 300 times the speed of sound.
• One of the worst things about Christmas is the expectation of everyone else around you that you're supposed to be "Jolly".
• Whenever someone says "Merry Christmas" to you, you are obliged to reply like a demented parrot "Merry Christmas to you too" back.
• What is the point of the Christmas card? Other than to give money to talentless artist designers and unemployable writers of sycophantic verses.
• In any other circumstance ever imagined, bringing a tree into your home to die slowly in front of you would be an act of lunacy.
• Why in all that is holy would you subject yourself to walking around the shops with crowds of likeminded dead-eyed souls all searching for a present for great aunt Edna who you dont even like in the first place?
• When you have just given someone a gift that you really wanted and they've given you a gift that you dont want, you're supposed to look happy about it. "Oh you got me a tin of shoe polish, thats brilliant, thank you very much."
• Every year you are required to eat enough turkey to give you constipation, washed down with sweet fizzy wine because grandma doesnt like the dry stuff you usually serve. Never mind, theres always the consistantly disappointing crackers to pull, the dry leathery turkey to eat, the fart enducing spouts to avoid and the slightly too drunk in-laws to entertain. So it was worth the wait then.
• Brussel Sprouts, otherwise known as the grapes of the Devil.
• Every year people throughout the globe partake in the tradition of turkey genocide.
• Christmas crackers, you get the following: a thing that makes the "crack" sound, which works only occasionally, a toy that even the most easily pleased child will think is crap, you get a joke thats not funny and you get a hat that makes you look like a moron. Great, lets all buy three dozen for Christmas Day.
• Christmas is worse than a puppy because you cant put Christmas in a sack and drown it.
• The only thing i look forward to at Christmas time is the relief i enjoy when its over.

A site by Tam Denholm | Tweet this

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